


The Universe; Interconnectedness of All Things.

by inkyfishes



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 18:47:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9250865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkyfishes/pseuds/inkyfishes
Summary: The case of the Quite Remarkably Expansive Douglas-Adams-Verse





	

**TOPIC:** _The Universe_

**SUBTOPIC:** _The Interconnectedness of All Things._

**Text Reads:**

_The universe, in most observable ways by most observable-able galactic beings, is a constant -_

\- That is entirely incorrect! It is mish-mash of a web of interconnected things that are never constant! It's only constant is how inconstant it is! Providing exciting adventures and experiences - and cases! To be solved! -

_\- ...quiet. It is one constant within many constants. Many universes. Many beings refer to 'parallel universes' but this is a deviation from the generally accepted definition of the word 'parallel'._

_The tarxak race of Juniper VII refer to the 'branched relationship principle', the idea that each universe is developed from a single decision made in an alpha universe - at its core a 'yes' or 'no' answer._

_In universe A, Mrs Miggins of French Street, Islington decides to have a cup of tea and in universe B, Mrs Miggins of French Street, Islington decides to kill her husband, put her dog in the dustbin and only_ then _have a cup of tea -_

\- What a case! we of course _know_ why she put her dog in the dustbin, but do you know why she decided to kill her husband? -

_\- What?_

\- Why she killed her husband? i mean - it's obvious, of course. The dog. The tea. But the murder? What is the connection???

\- _It's - it's a hypothetical - this input is not - excuse me? Who are you?_

[USER HAS DISCONNECTED FROM MEGADODO PUBLICATION INTERGALACTIC SERVER]

[LAST KNOWN GALACTIC CO-ORDINATES: ZZ9-PLURAL Z-GAMMA]

[ATTENTION: NEW PLURAL SECTOR PLANET. NOT YET RESEARCHED]

[SENDING MESSAGE TO URSA MINOR: PLEASE DISPATCH A GUIDE RESEARCHER AT THEIR EARLIEST INCONVENIENCE]

*

Dirk woke up in a van.

He knew it was a van from past experiences with vans that he didn't like to remember very much. It was a cold, unmoving van, with no view to the driver's cab. He saw white walls, grey in the darkness, and a wooden floor. There were a pile of used brickwork tools in one corner. The roof was plastic. And, of course, there was a curious looking man staring at him.

The man had wild ginger-ish hair. A grin that gave the indication that he was likely to go for the neck. He was wearing dishevelled clothes - 80sish - which, being entirely in keeping with 2017 Seattle, gave Dirk no reason for alarm. In fact, Dirk felt the compulsion to try and order a coffee from him.

'Ah. You're awake,' the man said.

English. He was English or, at least, his accent was.

'Yes,' Dirk nodded. 'And, um. You... appear to be as well.'

The man gave him a small smile. It somehow made him look even more vampiric. 'Oh, yes. _Definitely_ you,' he said, with an air of confidence. 'Hang on, I need to get a thing -'

The man dug into the battered satchel which was swinging from his side. He pulled out reams of paper, which went fluttering onto the floor. Dirk glanced at them as they spun towards him. Scripts, by the looks of it. For _Hamlet_ and _Macbeth_. Then, metallic devices with twinkling LEDs serving no purpose that Dirk could made of, were also dumped, just as uncaring, onto the floor.

'Um,' Dirk swallowed. 'We appear to be in a van.'

'Yep,' the man confirmed.

'Why are we not moving?' Dirk asked, as this was the obvious question. 'I mean, if this is a kidnapping, then you're doing a pretty bloody poor job of it.'

'My - my friend is refusing to drive. Ah ha!' He triumphantly took two metal tubes out of his bag. ' _There_ they are. My friend - he's panicking because he's not sure whether his driver's license has expired or not. He's also insisting that he's forgotten how to drive. I mean - it's zarking simple, isn't it?' The man wrestled with the tubes, trying to force them to interconnect. 'A few - a few pedals and - ah! That's almost... no wait, wait - that's not right - and a - a wheel... thingy. It's not exactly hyperspace jumping or theoretical improbability physics -'

'Do you know, I believe I've told Todd something similar when he questioned my driving - !' Dirk replied enthusiastically, scrambling to his feet. He looked over the man's shoulder, towards the strange device, having to bend over a bit due to the low roof. 'Now, that _is_ interesting -' Dirk said, overwhelmed with curiosity. 'What is it?'

'Reality scanner. I need to take some measurements, determine your fundamental laws. How oxygen is, what waves are here, price of shoes - perspectives and such.'

'Oh. Why?'

The man shot him a strange look. 'That's not - that's usually not the reaction I get when I tell humans what this is.'

'Have you told many humans what that is?'

'I suppose not. And, it is _you_ after all. I should expect - oh hell, this is getting too complicated already. This was supposed to be an easy one.' The man walked backwards to where Dirk supposed the driver's cab would be. He banged loudly on the partition. 'Arthur?' He called. 'Arthur!'

There was no response. Dirk twiddled his thumbs and wished he was slightly smaller, or the van was slightly taller. If Todd were here he would have no trouble - except that Todd would probably be screaming quite a bit. He never did like being kidnapped.

'Excuse me - do you happen to know whether there's a shop nearby?' the man asked, holding the two tubes which had now begun to resonate and squeak above his head. 'Somewhere you can buy hot drinks?'

'I think there are approximately... thirty coffee shops on this street. That's a conservative estimate.'

The man boggled. 'Zarquon. You're at that point of the cycle then. Digital watches are out, coffee shops are in?' Dirk shrugged. 'Are your phone devices impractically thin yet? If _Sirius Cybernetics_ have got to this universe before the _Guide_ could think to get me down here -' the man shook his head, tutting. 'Terrible. It's just very lucky for them I couldn't give a flying photon. Take me to the nearest coffee shop.'

'Why?'

'That's where my friend is.'

*

[12:06] omg this guys just come into starbucks in a dressing gown

[12:06] like straight up

**[12:07] So? He's probably a student.**

[12:07] he looks about 40!

[12:07] farah I'm serious look

[12:07] IMG.984

**[12:08] DON'T take photos of strangers, Amanda. It's an invasion of privacy.**

**[12:08] ...He does look odd, though.**

[12:08] ikr??

[12:08] now he's refusing to give his name

[12:08] he said he doesn't like doing that because it ends up in mice trying to saw his head off

[12:09] dirk's come in

**[12:10] No**

[12:10] dirk's introducing himself!!!

**[12:11] Oh god it's another case, isn't it?**

[12:11] dirk says his friend's outside

**[12:11] Can we not, this time? Can we just... not?**

[12:11] dirk's inviting him back to the office

[12:11] i'm hiding in a booth if he doesn't see me maybe it won't be a case

[12:11] shit

*

Farah had quite a terrifying expression on her face. Dirk would have been scared, if he hadn't trusted so much in the universe. Farah wouldn't kill him for this. He was at least 75% sure.

'I know you said no more cases, Farah -'

'I don't mind cases, Dirk,' Farah clarified. 'As long as the cases come from people who are likely to pay an invoice. These guys are just the kind of people who will bail as soon as they see a bill.'

'The universe provides - !'

'You keep saying that, Dirk, but I'm the one that actually pays the rent!'

'Um, excuse me?'

Dirk looked around to where the other man - Arthur - had poked his head around the door to Dirk's office. He looked friendly enough, and Dirk was very good at spotting friendly faces.

'I didn't mean to interrupt, but we don't actually need your assistance on a case -'

Dirk knew at that moment that Arthur had no idea what he was talking about. This was clearly a case. Strange men? Abduction into vans? Shiny devices that went bleep for unknown reasons? It had all the hallmarks of a fantastic case.

Plus, there was The Hunch. And The Hunch should never be ignored. That was the first rule of Holistic Detection.

'- we're just here to take some readings.'

'What readings?' Farah asked.

'In all honesty, I'm not entirely clear myself on that point -' Arthur looked back through the door, to where his companion was presumably making himself comfortable in the small reception area - and making the two devices beep entertainingly. 'His - uh, Ford, my - my companion - his credit card was recently declined after a, um,' Arthur coughed. 'Quite substantial drinks bill... I've been roped in to assist whilst he tries to clear off some of the accumulated debt.'

'Oh! You're an assistant!' Dirk clapped his hands together. Arthur scowled at Dirk in a very familiar way. 'Now, that makes oodles of sense.'

'I'm not his assistant!'

'Arthur! Arthur!' Ford's voice was sharp and irritating in the friendliest way possible. 'You won't mind? I need your finger - could you hold this sticky tape -?'

*

'He was looking for _me_ , Todd!' Dirk practically squealed.

Todd was looking out of his apartment window, to the dirty white van which was parked outside. Both Arthur and Ford had rejected the offer of sleeping on Dirk's pull-out couch ('On a mattress? That's absolutely barbaric! Haven't they been through enough without us then sleeping on them?') preferring to stay outside where, as Ford described it, they'd have the best reception for a pick-up, if anything large, yellow and ominous came floating by.

'Dirk, in our history together, have people looking for you _ever_ been a good thing? Something we should be encouraging?'

Dirk shook his head, dismissively, chiding his assist-friend. 'This is different, Todd. He's looking for me, independent of actually knowing who I was! I've never met him! That is - that is clearly the universe connecting together two parts of the web!'

Todd, who had been nothing but anxious since he had been told what was going on, tore his eyes away from the van to glare at Dirk.

'We don't even know why they need you to be close why they're doing their... scans. Whatever they are. Why can't they do it somewhere else? Away from us?' Todd hissed.

'They - well, Ford - told me that _I'm_ a conduit for this universe,' Dirk said, not a little smug. 'That he could be assured of the best readings if he did the scans in close proximity to me.'

'So... you're a glorified satellite dish?'

'...I'm sure it's a lot cooler than that...'

*

'...so, you're a glorified satellite dish,' Ford concluded the next day.

Todd gave Dirk a smug grin. They were eating pizza in the greasiest takeaway Dirk had uncovered in Seattle and which was, therefore, his favourite. Arthur had stuck to water, looking a bit green, but both Todd and Dirk were racing their way through the Deluxe Triple Mega Combo special. Ford was drinking something from a hip flask that gave off an odd purple vapour.

'Don't take it as an insult -' Arthur quickly interrupted, scowling at Ford. 'We've noticed that there are particular people -

'Arthur -'

'Beings! Sorry, Ford. There are particular beings that seem to attract _strangeness_. One minute you could have a nice little job in BBC radio, then next minute you could be hurling across the galaxy, your planet in shreds, uncovering things you really never wanted to know about mice...' Arthur trailed off, sounding remarkably pissed off for how exciting that all sounded, to Dirk at least.

This, of course, did not at all surprise Dirk. This fitted perfectly into his view of the universe. He nodded, eating another handful of fries.

'And you're one of these people? Uh, beings -' Dirk corrected.

Ford nodded appreciatively.

Arthur scowled. 'No. He is.' Arthur thumbed at Ford. 'He just... infects me with his strangeness.'

Ford dusted his hands. 'And he really, really hates it. You can tell, can't you, by the way he's constantly following me around -'

'You follow me around! This is my planet!'

'Technically it's not -'

The pair continued arguing as Todd and Dirk continued eating. After a few minutes, Todd leaned into Dirk's ear.

'If we ever end up like that, shoot me.'

Dirk looked horrified. 'Todd! I would never imply that your strangeness had a negative effect on me. I'm your friend for life, no matter how strange you are!'

'... _My strangeness?_ '

*

After twelve hours, the spinny clicky whirry things stopped spinning and clicking and whirring. Ford told them that meant that the scans had completed.

Ford insisted that he and Dirk had a conversation alone which Dirk was very excited about, as he was entirely sure that the case would - somehow - be soon solved. And with minimal death and destruction this time, which made Dirk happy. But without the normal overflow of animals, which made him less so.

Dirk led him into the Holistic Offices, then closed the door.

Ford took a large bundle out of his seemingly bottomless satchel. It was a towel. He unwrapped it carefully, revealing a large, black device about the size of a good novel. His fingers flew over it and it chirped, pleasingly.

'Right. I just have to upload the data. No - wait,' Ford hesitated, his fingers stilling.

Dirk knew why - he had a similar feeling that something was not, yet, connected. Another Important Hunch.

'I think you should... show me what this does,' Dirk said.

Ford nodded. 'Yes - I think that too. Huh. Anyway, this - this is a sort of electronic book.' Ford passed it to Dirk.

'Like a Kindle?'

'Whatever a Kindle is, I'm positive it's almost entirely unlike that.'

Dirk ran his fingers over it. It felt cooler than he expected electronics to feel. It hummed happily in his hands, and splashed a warm, friendly slogan onto its screen. The screen was tiny but Dirk felt, somehow, very able to understand it.

'Ask it something.'

'What should I ask it?'

'Anything - ask it anything.'

Dirk drummed his fingers, thinking. There was only one thing he ever really cared about asking.

He clicked some buttons and some options splayed out on the screen.

'Topic: The Universe,' Dirk read. 'Subtopic... ah! The interconnectedness of all things... Oh! I can enter text... hmm, well - that part definitely isn't right...'

 

*

'Time loop, Arthur!' Ford called, bored, through the door to reception.

'Time loop, Todd!' Dirk shouted happily, excited to have solved the case at last.

Arthur and Todd looked up from where they had been attempting small talk on the couch.

'Not another one,' they both said, in unison.

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked the way that The Salmon of Doubt was apparently 'too bizarre' of a novel to be Dirk Gently and Douglas Adams was going to re-write it to fit into a Hitchhiker's frame. I've always thought the universes were one and the same...


End file.
